Sunday, 5 June 2016

Embracing My Dark Side.


Sometimes, out of nowhere, at no particular time of the day, I feel lonely.
I don’t feel alone. Solitude is one of the most beautiful things for me.
But I feel lonely, dangerously lonely.

I don't feel this vulnerable while sharing my story, maybe because that is a thing of the past and I have come out of it, stronger. But, right now when I say that I feel lonely, I feel exposed.
This is not an empowering article that I am putting up on my blog. I don't expect anyone to feel proud of me for this, or to call me strong or powerful. I am doing it for myself. This is a confession I feel the need to make, because life is not a few months of spring. And right now, I see myself in the middle of a downpour.

I feel as if no one among the billions that share the same planet as me would be able to understand me at these times of loneliness. It is not that I do not feel loved. I am well aware of the fact that I am loved, valued.

But in these dark moments, all I want is to be understood.

Maybe, it’s not anyone else’s incapability, but my own. Maybe I am too tired to explain things. Maybe I am short of words to put my feelings into organized and meaningful sentences. Or maybe I just don’t want to be that vulnerable, that naked.

For me, it takes a lot of courage to say "I am feeling lonely", when people think of me as a strong person and I have people in life that love me. It almost feels invalid to even admit this, because my life is going on as it should. I am not in depression. I am going to pursue a course of my choice in a month. I am doing a lot of wonderful things for myself. I don't have unaddressed emotional baggage. And so on. 

Then why this sinking feeling? Why should I be experiencing this?
This question seems baffling at times. And to be honest, I don't have any answer to it.
All I know is, it is. And I don't like to escape. 

There are times when I cry for reasons unknown, because crying feels like the thing to do in that moment. There are times when I want to cry but I can't. And I am not ashamed of this. I don't want to be as hard as stone. I want to accept life as it comes, and even if I am not feeling okay, it is okay.

So instead of escaping by watching a movie or going out with friends or family, I feel it. I witness this scary feeling called "Loneliness". No matter how absurd my being lonely seems to me, I let myself feel it, freely. Because that's what I naturally am  free.

It is not a very pleasant experience. It is not something that makes me feel happy. 
But, it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real. It makes me realize that I have a beating heart.
And once I let the river flow without building any dams on it, the water no longer consumes me. 
I see myself as different from this feeling, because this is not who I am

I am not here to live up to the expectations of the definition of being "strong".
I am here to be me, in all my colours. I can be a garden in the spring, and I can be a storm in the monsoon. I can be as powerful as a mighty mountain, and I can be as vulnerable as a dandelion.
I want to accept life in its totality. 


Because if I don't embrace my dark side, who will?


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  3. Kudos Ahanita Madame I'm also going to publish my story like this.

  4. What you have written is exactly what I wanted to share by writing. The only difference is that you did it and I could not. Awesome.

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  6. Loved one,

    So grateful for this article.

    When I was in college, I spent 3 years living alone.

    I meditated, stayed alone and accepted any feeling that came up.

    This is what I discovered during those three years.

    There are 3 layers:

    1. I feel desperation and loneliness -

    2. Deeper than the feeling of loneliness -- there is a layer of emotional pain, emotional traumas.

    The loneliness hides the deeper layer of pain.

    I accepted the pain. I went into an emotional process. There was this meditation, Mystic Rose, where you cry for 3 hours a day.
    I did that.

    (I did not do it as a part of a training, I did it alone.)

    I went through a deep emotional process. I stayed with it (I was 20 years old at the time).

    3. The third layer - bliss, joy, harmony, silence, joy, meditation, union with the divine.

    I was very surprised, just by staying still and accepting everything I felt inside me -- suddenly I found a third layer: joy, happiness without reason.

    It came up unexpectedly. I did not expect it. I had stayed with the pain, and it just feels like a very dark place... you embrace the pain and it becomes your friend and companion...

    So it comes like an absolute surprise when happiness without reason and deep meditation appears. You don't expect to find it in the middle of the pain.

    It is like digging in an enormous pile of shit -- and you find a diamond.

    Remember these three layers.

    1. Loneliness

    2. Emotional Pain and Traumas

    3. Happiness without reasons and connection with the divine.

    Explore them.

    Lots of love.