Sunday, 5 June 2016

Embracing My Dark Side.


Sometimes, out of nowhere, at no particular time of the day, I feel lonely.
I don’t feel alone. Solitude is one of the most beautiful things for me.
But I feel lonely, dangerously lonely.

I don't feel this vulnerable while sharing my story, maybe because that is a thing of the past and I have come out of it, stronger. But, right now when I say that I feel lonely, I feel exposed.
This is not an empowering article that I am putting up on my blog. I don't expect anyone to feel proud of me for this, or to call me strong or powerful. I am doing it for myself. This is a confession I feel the need to make, because life is not a few months of spring. And right now, I see myself in the middle of a downpour.

I feel as if no one among the billions that share the same planet as me would be able to understand me at these times of loneliness. It is not that I do not feel loved. I am well aware of the fact that I am loved, valued.

But in these dark moments, all I want is to be understood.

Maybe, it’s not anyone else’s incapability, but my own. Maybe I am too tired to explain things. Maybe I am short of words to put my feelings into organized and meaningful sentences. Or maybe I just don’t want to be that vulnerable, that naked.

For me, it takes a lot of courage to say "I am feeling lonely", when people think of me as a strong person and I have people in life that love me. It almost feels invalid to even admit this, because my life is going on as it should. I am not in depression. I am going to pursue a course of my choice in a month. I am doing a lot of wonderful things for myself. I don't have unaddressed emotional baggage. And so on. 

Then why this sinking feeling? Why should I be experiencing this?
This question seems baffling at times. And to be honest, I don't have any answer to it.
All I know is, it is. And I don't like to escape. 

There are times when I cry for reasons unknown, because crying feels like the thing to do in that moment. There are times when I want to cry but I can't. And I am not ashamed of this. I don't want to be as hard as stone. I want to accept life as it comes, and even if I am not feeling okay, it is okay.

So instead of escaping by watching a movie or going out with friends or family, I feel it. I witness this scary feeling called "Loneliness". No matter how absurd my being lonely seems to me, I let myself feel it, freely. Because that's what I naturally am  free.

It is not a very pleasant experience. It is not something that makes me feel happy. 
But, it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real. It makes me realize that I have a beating heart.
And once I let the river flow without building any dams on it, the water no longer consumes me. 
I see myself as different from this feeling, because this is not who I am

I am not here to live up to the expectations of the definition of being "strong".
I am here to be me, in all my colours. I can be a garden in the spring, and I can be a storm in the monsoon. I can be as powerful as a mighty mountain, and I can be as vulnerable as a dandelion.
I want to accept life in its totality. 


Because if I don't embrace my dark side, who will?


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  3. Kudos Ahanita Madame I'm also going to publish my story like this.

  4. What you have written is exactly what I wanted to share by writing. The only difference is that you did it and I could not. Awesome.

  5. u don't write anymore ? why ?

  6. I am in fact thankful to the owner of this web page who has shared this enormous piece of writing at here. gmail email login

  7. Loved one,

    So grateful for this article.

    When I was in college, I spent 3 years living alone.

    I meditated, stayed alone and accepted any feeling that came up.

    This is what I discovered during those three years.

    There are 3 layers:

    1. I feel desperation and loneliness -

    2. Deeper than the feeling of loneliness -- there is a layer of emotional pain, emotional traumas.

    The loneliness hides the deeper layer of pain.

    I accepted the pain. I went into an emotional process. There was this meditation, Mystic Rose, where you cry for 3 hours a day.
    I did that.

    (I did not do it as a part of a training, I did it alone.)

    I went through a deep emotional process. I stayed with it (I was 20 years old at the time).

    3. The third layer - bliss, joy, harmony, silence, joy, meditation, union with the divine.

    I was very surprised, just by staying still and accepting everything I felt inside me -- suddenly I found a third layer: joy, happiness without reason.

    It came up unexpectedly. I did not expect it. I had stayed with the pain, and it just feels like a very dark place... you embrace the pain and it becomes your friend and companion...

    So it comes like an absolute surprise when happiness without reason and deep meditation appears. You don't expect to find it in the middle of the pain.

    It is like digging in an enormous pile of shit -- and you find a diamond.

    Remember these three layers.

    1. Loneliness

    2. Emotional Pain and Traumas

    3. Happiness without reasons and connection with the divine.

    Explore them.

    Lots of love.

  8. Dear Anahita,

    my favourite bhajan singer is Sanam Marvi. She had a childhood full of pain, poverty and suffering.

    Nobody sings as profound as her.

    What happened in your childhood is a gift.

    Accept the pain, get in touch with it - and sing it. Sing your pain.

    Your song will be the most profound.

    Pain is needed to go into the depths of feeling. Otherwise we are superficial.

    I love your singing so much, you sing so directly, innocently - from the heart.

    Your version of Sanson Ki Mala Pe is my favourite, because you sing directly from the heart.

    Just lose the guitar, let someone else play the instrument -- and involve yourself with all your soul and passion in the singing.

    We cannot do two things at the same time.

    Pour into your song the same intensity that Abida Parveen has.

    I am convinced you can sing even better than Abida Parveen. Love your singing so much.

    Reminds me of Osho's words about bhajan.


    The meaning of bhajan should also be understood. You will see lots of people doing bhajan, singing the song of the divine, but they are not really doing bhajan. They are doing it very superficially. It may be a sort of recreation for them as they have not staked their life. It may be just an enjoyment for them, and this type of enjoyment they can get from any other song or from any other music.

    Bhajan means that there is a deep agony in your inner being; a sound arises from your inner depth. Your whole life is at stake as if it is a question of life and death. If you want to sing the song of the divine then you have to lose yourself. If you want to save yourself and to be devotional to Govinda,God, then you are deceiving yourself.

    Bhajan in itself is the climax. It is the ultimate. The disciples of Ramakrishna used to be very careful that when he is walking on the road nobody should say ”Ram Ram,” or ”Jai Ram,”even if a stranger saluted him by saying ”Jairam-ji,” he would stand there overwhelmed with emotion and ecstasy and he would start dancing right in the middle of the road. The disciples used to be embarrassed. The policeman would arrive and tell them to clear the chaos on the road. If he was invited to some wedding then nobody would bother about the bride and the bridegroom and all of them would gather around him.

    Once, one of his admirers had invited Ramakrishna to his daughter’s wedding so that he could give his blessings. The wedding ceremony was about to start when somebody called out the name of Govinda. There was a big crowd and somebody was shouting, ”Where is Govinda?” Ramakrishna heard the name of Govinda and started dancing, and the bhajan of Govinda started! That wedding place changed into a divine scene. The marriage party was no longer a marriage party. The wedding ceremony was no longer a wedding ceremony; it was altogether a different thing.

    Bhajan means that there is a constant flow of the remembrance of the divine within you twenty-four hours a day. That constant flow was there within Ramakrishna, so when anyone uttered the name of Ram, Krishna or Govinda, the inner flow would erupt. The slightest outer stimulus would reveal the inner dance, the inner music, the inner sound. It is just like a well which is full of water. If somebody puts the bucket in the well, it will come out full of water. In the same way, if someone uttered thename of Ram, the inner bhajan, the inner remembrance would be expressed outwardly.

    Bhajan is not something which you can do at your own convenience. Bhajan is a continuous remembrance. When it starts it never ends, it goes on and on – a continuous remembrance inside your being.

  9. Can I make a few suggestions?

    Singing does not come first. Singing is just an overflowing.

    Devotion, love for the divine - is like the bull, and singing is the cart.

    Not the other way around.

    The cart cannot pull the bull. Only the bull can pull the cart.

    Bhajan starts from meditation, from longing for the divine, from love of the divine.

    I would like to humbly suggest: have the photo of a guru, any guru you feel you resonate with.
    Mirabai has a very devotional energy, for example.

    Connect with the photo, meditate with the photo, become one with the photo.
    The singing will come out of that.

    Just a humble suggestion.

    You can also try to do Osho's active meditations, just for a while. Dynamic, Kundalini, Nataraj. Just for a while. It will open up your body and your emotions, and the singing will be even more powerful.

    An Osho quote:

    "You also want to know what kirtan, or singing hymns of praise to Krishna can do to enhance devotion.

    It can do a lot if we do it rightly. The way we are doing the second stage of Dynamic Meditation can be used for singing or dancing as well. It has been used in the past by those who knew its real meaning. Those who don’t know the real meaning just dance and shout – which is a waste of time. If kirtan can be done in the way of the second stage of the Dynamic Meditation, it can be of tremendous help.

    If you can dance with abandon, you will begin to see yourself and your body as separate from each other. Soon you will cease to be a dancer; instead you will become a watcher, a witness. When your body will be dancing totally, a moment will come when you will suddenly find that you are completely separate from the dance.

    In the past many devices were designed to bring about this separation between a seeker and his body, and singing and dancing was one such device. You can dance in such a way and with such abandon that a moment comes when you break away from dancing and clearly see yourself standing separate from the dance. Although your body will continue to dance, you will be quite separate from it as a spectator watching the dance. It will seem as if the axle has separated itself from the wheel which continues to keep moving – as if the axle has come to know that it is an axle and that which is moving is the wheel, although separate from it.

    Dancing can be seen in the same way as a wheel. If the wheel moves with speed, a moment comes when it is seen distinctly separate from the axle. It is interesting that when the wheel is unmoving you cannot see it as separate from the axle, but when it moves you can clearly see them as two separate entities. You can know by contrast which is moving and which is not.

    Let someone dance and let him bring all his energy to it, and soon he will find there is someone inside him who is not dancing, who is utterly steady and still. That is his axle, his center. That which is dancing is his circumference, his body, and he himself is the center.

    If one can be a witness in this great moment then kirtan has great significance. But if he continues to dance without witnessing it,he will only waste his time and energy.Techniques and devices come into being and then they are lost. And they are lost for the simple reason that man as he is tends to forget the essential and hold on to the non-essential, the shadow. The truth is that while the essential remains hidden and invisible like the roots of a tree, the non-essential, the trunk of the tree is visible. The non-essential is like our clothes, and the essentialis like our soul. And we are liable to forget that which is subtle and invisible and remember the gross, the visible. It is for this reason when someone comes to me to know if kirtan can be useful, I emphatically deny it and ask him not to indulge in it. I know that now it is a dead tradition, a corpse without soul, as if the axle has disappeared and only the wheel remains."

  10. Doing Osho meditations which open the emotions will open up your singing even more. The intensity of your singing.

    Meera Bai was meditating with Krishna's statue, always focused on Krishna's statue. She was always longing for Krishna.
    She said Krishna's name on the garland of her breaths.
    She is so obsessed with Krishna, that each time she breathes, she says: Krishna..

    This comes first. The inner state of devotion comes first.
    The devotional singing comes second.

    If the inner devotion towards a guru is there... people will be touched by the singing.

    The inner devotion has to be there 24 hours a day.

    This is why a photo (or in Meera Bai's case - a statue) helps. Because the photo keeps the remembrance and the connection with the energy of the guru. We surrender to the guru's energy.

    The singing comes as a consequence.

    If the singing is just a consequence -- kirtan becomes full of ecstasy.

    Overflowing ecstasy.


    I really feel you have such a great potential, I love your soul and your singing so much... this is why I am writing all this.

    Can I make a few suggestions?

    Make a youtube channel, and have someone capture the sound from your voice more professionally, with a better camera.

    One of your fans can do this.

    In my opinion, if someone else takes on the guitar playing, so you can concentrate solely on the singing.
    Your singing will be more intense and profound.

    May I suggest a few songs? If you feel you resonate with them.

    These are profound songs that also resonate with the audience.

    1. Parchan Shaal Pavar Dhola

    2. Payo Ji Maine Ram Ratan Dhan Paayo

    3. Achyutam Keshavam Krishna Damodaram

    You can sing this song much more profoundly.

    4. Shivoham

    I would love to hear this with your voice (and your passion.)

    5. Wah Wah Guzran Faqeeran Da