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Tuesday, 12 April 2016

My Honour Does Not Lie In My Breasts Or My Vagina.

Healing from my sexual abuse.


Exactly one year back I blogged about my sexual abuse. For me, it was a huge leap towards my healing; not because the people around me came to know about my story or it was an inspiration to some, but, because on specifically that day, I finally let go of the shame and guilt I had been housing inside me since what seemed like forever.

I vividly remember how I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to do it, to lay myself out in the open, vulnerable, but alive. I wrote about breaking my silence in less than half an hour and published it without re-reading it even once. As I hit the Publish button, I could feel my heart beating louder and faster than ever.

To be very honest, I was apprehensive about the response my story would get. I wasn’t hoping for much of positive response and thought that the readers would carry forward our great culture, criticizing me for being open about a supposed taboo subject. To say that I was astonished after reading the comments would be an understatement. I felt a great deal of acceptance and love.
I thank you from all of my heart for supporting me in this journey, no matter how big or small your contribution has been.

Although my choice to go public about this has been criticized time and again, on the pretext of losing my family’s and my honour in the society, making myself a target of mockery or affecting my relationships within the family, writing out my story has been one of the best decisions I have made in life. I cannot go on encouraging people to share their stories to let go of the emotional baggage they’ve held on to since years, if I myself can’t do it.

My honour does not lie in my breasts or my vagina. Violation of my body parts is not the violation of my honour or my innocence.

It is unfortunate how the society we live in states the survivor of sexual violence responsible or guilty of what happened to them. You never ask a cancer patient to keep their secret because if they disclose it, the family honour would be in threat. People don’t make fun of you if you share about being in a car accident.
My relationship with my abusers was over the moment they chose to breach my trust and force me into something that caused so much damage to my body, mind and soul. Being in the same family as them doesn’t mean that I have to carry on a dead relation lifelong.

I would be lying if I say the accusation and criticism didn’t matter to me. They did hit me with a pang of betrayal and disappointment. But, if I weigh it against the healing my blog has brought to me, my healing would immediately win out with such a large difference that the criticism becomes easy to embrace.

Writing about it was my initial act of rebellion. Since then, I have made a lot of choices that align themselves with my cause and existence and go against many notions the society holds.
I am not fighting against anything. I am fighting for something that holds importance to me. Coincidentally, it often goes against many people and the norms they have. But as long as I am walking on my path, these intersections and hurdles hardly make any difference to my spirit.

Since my childhood, I was praised within the family because of my good manners, academic excellence and obedience towards the elders. But to me, it was of no use, because I was dead inside. All I wanted was to live, but I lacked the courage then. Lately, when I have made some choices that I was not expected to, there has been some disturbance. Going public about my abuse, talking "shamelessly" about it, working towards its prevention and dropping out of engineering to pursue my cause, to state a few.


At the same time, I have never felt more alive. I am able to feel more. Love more. Laugh more. Cry more. I am more present here than I have ever been. I am living the life I once dreamed of. 




26 comments:

  1. This is amazing. Thank you for your work and for being you. I have to share this. Thank you for your help and for your insight into the nature of abuse and the stigma associated with it.

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  2. This is so amazing, so powerful. Thanks for being so brave, so graceful and thanks for putting our unspoken feelings into words and thanks for showing again and again that our pain may have shaped us but it doesn't define us.

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    1. Thank you so much Angana. Your words reach my soul. Much love to you.

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  3. You are Amazing... Like..I literally have no words to say..
    U are one Brave Girl..!! 😁

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  4. Very powerful, Anahita! And no it doesn't. In fact, honor is a faux social structure. One doesn't need to evaluate one's ownself by that benchmark EVER! You choose your own ways and live by them. More importantly understand that you aren't your body or your mind. You as the throbbing life are FAR more than that. You are the eternal star-dust that goes beyond time and physicality. So live like that. Society or no society!

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    1. Thank you so much. Your words reflect wisdom and understanding.

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  5. It's really needs courage to speak out such struggles of life. But some body's opinion will never be your reality. You are a brave girl and the problems you have faced will make you more humane towards understanding other people's problems as you have become inspiration to face any situation of life!

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    1. Thanks a lot. You are very correct in saying that the problems make us more understanding and humane.

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  6. Amazing that you have bounced back to your old self. Society does not care so live your life according to your terms. Your sure are quite a brave woman . All the very best Anahita

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  7. I am so proud of you! Having the courage to speak up not only makes you feel better but also encourages others to share their burden or past!
    I am glad to have found your blog and loved the title of this post!

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    1. Thank you so much, Srivi. Glad you liked it.

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  8. It doesn’t matter how obedient you are or how academically successful you are if you are ultimately not a happy soul. You have full rights to live your life your way. We can’t control things when we are kids and that’s why kids become victim of this shameful abuse but now we can take a control of our life. You are a brave girl and I am proud to be your sister. May you get lot of happiness and success in life. Love you very much!!

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  9. You are an amazing person!
    I'm so glad that I met you and I'm friends with such a strong girl!
    I totally adore your work and obviously you! ❤️
    I'm so proud of you !
    Keep up your amazing work!

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    1. Thank you so much, Himanshi. I'm humbled by your kind words. Love.

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  10. Ankit Goel
    I have read your story about 20 times.... And every time it gives me goosebumps.... I can't express in words that how proud i am to be your friend.. You are a brave girl.. Be like this only. #proudofyou & #insupportofyou... Always..... ��

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  11. Ankit Goel
    I have read your story about 20 times.... And every time it gives me goosebumps.... I can't express in words that how proud i am to be your friend.. You are a brave girl.. Be like this only. #proudofyou & #insupportofyou... Always..... ��

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  12. Ankit Goel
    I have read your story about 20 times.... And every time it gives me goosebumps.... I can't express in words that how proud i am to be your friend.. You are a brave girl.. Be like this only. #proudofyou & #insupportofyou... Always..... ��

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  13. No words about it
    U really a brave girl and strong ...
    May God bless you

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  14. No words about it
    U really a brave girl and strong ...
    May God bless you

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  15. Power to you. :)

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