Read how a good friend of mine shares her story of being sexually abused and raped by a stranger and her own relatives. Her strength did not falter, even after the circumstances turned against her.
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My first encounter to wrong touch was when I was around 9.
It was few days before Durga Puja, the biggest festival for Bengalis. We had
gone to buy new clothes. My parents wanted to gift me a pair of jeans so we
went to a shop and they chose a good one for me and asked me to try them on.
I wore it but it was bit too long for me so the shopkeeper
asked one of the guys working in the shop, to take my measurement so that they
could alter it. So, the boy took me to the trial room to take measurement,
which till date I do not understand how my parents did not find strange.
It was my very first experience of this weird kind of
touching in that trial room. He told me if I be a good girl and let him take
measurements properly, I will get that pair of jeans or else he would complain
about me to my parents and they would be very angry with me. So I agreed to do
what he told. The first thing he told me was to take off my clothes. He helped
me to do this. I was scared but didn't say anything. He started touching my
body, my chest and vagina. It was so scary and weird. I don’t remember for how long
it went on. I do not think it was too long but it felt like eternity. Once he
was finished, he kissed on my cheek, clothed me, told me I was a very good girl
and that I could take the pair of jeans home, and then finally took measurements.
He warned me to never tell this to anyone because otherwise everyone would
think that I am a bad girl. I don't remember much about what happened after
that but I remember that I never in my life wore those pair of jeans for once,
even though my parents scolded me for wasting it.
To be honest, I don't remember much of my childhood. I have
very few memories among which, I think this incident alone is the most
prominent one.
Although it was a very disturbing incident of my life, I do
not think it harmed me the way it could have. Maybe because I was successful in
blocking it out temporarily with the help of my parents’ love. But this memory
came flooding almost after 7 years when I encountered my second phase of abuse.
This second phase of abuse I would say has shaped my life.
I was 15 and had a pretty good life. After that one
particular event, I never faced something as horrible again. Life was peaceful till
the age of 15. At 15, the first thing that happened was my mother's death. It
felt like my life was shattered and would never be whole again. I was naive.
I didn't know many more shocks were to come.
After my mother's death, my dad didn't want to leave me
alone in our house so we moved to my maternal uncle's house in a different
city. My uncle, aunt and cousin loved me very much so my dad thought it would
be better to keep me in a loving environment. He left me there and went back to
settle down few things at our old city and get a proper transfer to the new city
which took few months. I was left alone with my uncle, aunt and cousin.
First few days were quiet and easy. I was trying to move on
with life. I thought I was supposed to have a better life here and these people
would protect me. I trusted them.
But then, after few days, one night I suddenly woke up from
my sleep feeling really weird. After first few seconds it became clear that it
was my uncle in my room sitting near me in my bed. He started to grope my breasts.
I was so shocked at first and then I was so scared. I felt like I was being
suffocated. I wanted to jump out of my bed but I didn't have the courage. I
don't know what I was so scared of. So I just pretended to be asleep, which I
was not and I am sure he too knew it and yet he did not stop. I lay there
silently till he was gone. After he was done, he kissed on my head and left the
room and I lay there shocked, shattered, broken, crying. I again did not tell
anyone. I just kept quiet like someone had told me that I was not supposed to
talk about it.
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Artwork by Refaya |
After that night, he started coming to my room every night
after everyone fell asleep. It was so scary. I didn't know what to tell, whom
to tell or if I could even talk about it or not. Something kept telling me it
was happening because I had been bad. I knew it was not supposed to
happen but then it must be my fault if it's happening. So I just kept quiet
because I thought I had to.
Within few weeks, my cousin too left for another city for
his work. I was sad because he was my best friend and he left me. On that
weekend my aunt told me she would go out with some friends which would take few
hours and till then I was supposed to stay with my uncle. I was so scared, I
knew something bad was going to happen again and I could do nothing. After she
left I went to my room quietly and started studying. I thought I could escape
my fate. And then after few minutes, my uncle came to my room. I was so scared.
I pretended that I hadn’t seen him, and kept studying. He came and started
touching me and I tried to keep studying, denying what was happening. He then
started undressing me. I closed my eyes and kept shivering the whole time as he
raped me. It went on for what it felt like was few hours, but I don’t really
know. He left satisfied, leaving a shattered soul behind.
This went on for two years even after my dad came back. This
happened whenever he found me alone. He never wasted even the slightest chance
to touch me. He raped me orally and digitally. He made me give him oral sex. He
gave me orgasms and made sure I was not faking it. I was so confused. Orgasms
felt good and I felt more ashamed of myself. Moreover, he used to say "See,
even you like this". Much later, I came to know that it was not my fault
and that the body is supposed to respond in this particular way to certain
touches. He used to ask me if he was hurting me, and if I ever said yes, he
used to hurt me more.
The only thing that kept me go through this horrible time
was my father. I wanted to die but kept thinking what would happen to him if I
did.
But even in this pain I had my cousin like a silver lining.
I always felt safe and protected whenever he came home. He always used to kiss
my forehead and made me feel so loved, safe and protected. My cousin was my
best friend. But then one night when my cousin came home I was watching TV with
him. No one was in that room. As usual my cousin kissed my forehead. I felt
happy and thanked him. Then suddenly, he grabbed me and kissed me on my lips.
He used his tongue and brushed my arms with his hand and touched me. It felt so
disgusting. I was shocked. He again kissed me and left the room. He was the
last person I expected to break my trust.
To be honest, I did not even know what my cousin did was
called. I was from a very small town and had zero sexual knowledge. It just
felt so bad, so wrong. It was after my uncle kissed me it occurred to me that
what my cousin did too was something very bad. It broke my heart to know that I
mean nothing more to my cousin than to my uncle. But again, I kept quiet. I had
no one to talk to, no one to tell, no family, and no friend.
My uncle kept raping me for two years but my cousin kissed
me only once. Both the incidents left me scarred for life. My abuse finally
stopped when I forced my dad to move to another house giving every possible
reason. Finally I was out of that place. But soon I started feeling depressed.
I felt ashamed of myself, and guilty. I thought I deserved what was done to me
and started self-harming. By this time, I remembered my childhood incident too.
I got to know what these things are called. I came to know I was molested by my
cousin and raped by uncle and a stranger. It was overwhelming. I felt suicidal and
attempted twice but failed because I was too scared to die. My nightmares
wouldn't let me sleep properly for the next eight years. I denied everything
that happened to me and kept denying it. I always felt so scared, broken and
sad. I struggled to live every day. I felt dead inside. I gradually accepted
what my uncle did but kept denying what my cousin did. I kept telling myself it
was his mistake, he must have felt guilty. It was the best way I could survive,
by denying it.
But then after eight years, I came to know my cousin knew
everything his father had done. Even my aunt knew everything my uncle had done
but they did nothing to save me from this pain, absolutely nothing. Instead, my
cousin took the opportunity to molest me. I told my best friends everything because
I couldn't hold it back anymore. I felt I would die if I hid it anymore. My
friends told me to tell my father. I did and he did nothing again, maybe
because he didn't want to face the truth, or maybe because he thought he if he
doesn't do anything it will all turn into a lie. But I couldn't hold it in
anymore. After knowing the truth about my cousin and aunt I was too angry.
It was a family gathering that day. I didn’t want to go but
my dad forced me to. The moment I saw my uncle's family, my anger burst. I
confronted them, all three of them. My uncle denied everything he did. My
cousin said I wanted it and that's why he had kissed me. He said I wanted it
because I did not push him away. He used
to be the guy I could even die for. And my aunt, the woman I loved like my
mother, called me a slut, called me characterless. She said I wanted to have
sex with my uncle and cousin, she accused me. She blamed my clothes. I knew
this was to come but I still couldn't accept it. I thought this time, I was
broken beyond repair. Even my dad did not accept this behaviour of mine. He
didn't want me to confront them. He got angry and left me. Only my two best
friends stood with me. They picked me up, gave me strength to face life again.
I left my old house and came to a different city.
Right now, I am staying with few other friends. I have a
job. I am working in a well known MNC, at a good post. I have friends who will
even die for me. I have a new life again, away from my past, away from the
abusive relations and a life full of lies. I am also pursuing my post
graduation.
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credits - |
Obviously I still feel the pain but I don't let it consume
me anymore. I struggle but I don't feel suicidal now. It still hurts so much,
but I try to hold on. I want to live now. I know that I still have hope. I
still can live the way I want to and not let my past control me. I know I still
have wounds, but I believe they will heal, even if takes a long time.
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Thank you, friend, for bravely sharing your story with us and inspiring others to break the silence.
It feels so ashamed when the people we trust and love the most make our life hell, but you are gonna be a great inspiration for everyone. I am proud to have a sister like you Anahita as you are sharing such stories to empower other girls.
ReplyDeleteI feel great that the things you do here is to give strength to the people out there struggling in life. Keep doing to make others feel good :)
ReplyDelete